Starting the September of this year primary and secondary schools throughout the UK will have to teach ‘Relationships Education, Relationships and Sex Education and Health Education’, directly addressing LGBTQ+ relationships. It is a massive move towards a more liberal and accepting approach in sex education. It changes the hegemonic discourse surrounding sex ed within schools; therefore, contributing to a shift towards a healthier and more open society surrounding sex. Although this policy demonstrates a move away from the traditional, conservative approach to sex education in schools, there is still no explicit focus on pleasure. And why? Why is there no focus on the concept of pleasure in the sexual education system? 

Let me reiterate.

Why is the cisgender, heterosexual male orgasm taken as expected, with no acknowledgement of pleasure from the other partner?

Many view male ejaculation as a biological expectation, yet the female orgasm is classified as ‘too much’ or ‘culturally inappropriate’. However, last year Clinical Anatomy published findings to prove that clitoral stimulation during sex creates a series of changes in the reproductive tract that creates a more fertile environment. Therefore, rendering talk about female pleasure and the female orgasm crucial in explaining sexual intercourse from not only a pleasurable but purely biological standpoint.

When I was 17, I was educated on what a dental dam is, a sheet of latex/polyurethane used between mouth vagina/anus during oral sex. However, I was told to use a condom when giving a blowjob when I was 11. I was encouraged to buy ‘flavoured condoms’ to make the giving of head a more ‘pleasurable’. The educator punctuated this information with a wink to her colleagues, who all rolled their eyes and chuckled. 

Foreplay itself was never explicitly discussed, yet hand and blow jobs were treated as necessary prerequisites for sexual intercourse. No one explained that foreplay is needed for the majority of those with vulvas to lengthen and expand the vagina, whilst also creating lubrication. Students worry that sex will hurt, that it’ll be painful, and they won’t be able to please their partner(s). Yet, educators choose to omit information surrounding foreplay from the sex-ed curriculum that could alleviate all this stress as mentioned above. 

The UK sex education system doesn’t explicitly state that only male pleasure matters and only the cis-het-male gaze is valid. However, the pornographic expectation of sex remains unchallenged. Furthermore, the education system continues to promote this unrealistic expectation of sex through inaccurate depictions of natural bodies. Every copy of a sex ed handout, booklet and even video clips showed women with Brazilians. The mere concept of a woman who didn’t shave/wax their pubic hair was laughable to most of the boys, now men, of my year group. 

The mimicking of the pornographic depiction of women in my textbooks confused me. Why did they depict women with no pubic hair, yet men were? Why does society promote a view of underage women as the most attractive? When I ask male friends about this thought, they get defensive. They then eventually concede, as they realise that society taught them to believe that hairless, and pre-pubescent, female genitalia are the most attractive. 

Porn itself also works to the detriment of all genders regarding sex. Because the education surrounding sex is so limited in the UK school system, it means that students become dependent on it to learn about this world shrouded in shame and judgement. For example, it can promote unhealthy and unsafe expectations surrounding sex and promote insecurity due to unrealistic depictions of bodies and their ‘attributes’.  There are numerous benefits to porn, exploration into your sexuality being one; however, it should not be taken as gospel when learning about sex.  

There is a complete section that porn misses out, and sex ed seems to skip over: the part where you have an open conversation with your partner/partners about turn-ons, turn-offs, fantasies, limits, fetishes and things you would like to explore with each other. 

Currently, schools are starting to teach explicitly about consent from an early age thanks to the new legislation that just went into play. Hopefully, this will manifest itself with a cohort of students who don’t shy away from communicating and having an adequate level of openness with their partners.  

Despite there being numerous issues with the sex-ed system, gradually they seem to start to be getting addressed. The new legislation being implemented this September in primary and secondary schools will ideally lead to a more educated and aware group of young people regarding sex education. Hopefully, porn will only be used as a tool used in healthy personal sexual exploration and other positive activities. Although this cohort of the new system will be lacking in knowledge surrounding pleasure, hopefully, the next generation will be able to add that string to their bow. 

To explore the topic, I recommend reading  ‘Ethical Slut’ by Dossie Easton, and Janet Hardy. I also recommend ‘Women don’t owe you pretty’ by Florence Given. These books will help you unlearn your internalised sexism and misogyny surrounding society and sexuality. 

Overall, we are opening up to the realities of sex to create a more liberal and accepting environment for those who stray from the hetero-normative and monogamous rules. Which, I would argue, is a positive that 2020 definitely needs.

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Written by Jessica Hake