A Canadian Discovers Panto
Last September, I packed up my entire life (or what little of it would fit in two suitcases) and hauled it across the Atlantic to start a two-year stay here in the UK. In the months since then, I’ve encountered a lot of culture-clash phenomenon, and things that appear to be common here in England that I’d never heard of in my previous life of small-town Canada.
Enter: the British panto season.
Every time I’ve asked someone what a panto is, I get a wildly different answer. “It’s interactive theatre!” “It’s just this thing we went to every year at Christmas.” “It’s fairy tales, but there’s always at least one person in drag, and there’s a musical number, and the audience yells things at the actors.”
Colour me intrigued.
So, I decided that to celebrate the wrapping-up of panto season here in Brighton (and maybe to make the holiday season cheer linger a little longer through January), I’d share with you my reaction to seeing a panto for the first time. While it might not be December anymore, honestly…I don’t understand what these have to do with the holidays anyway. Time is meaningless when you are experiencing a grown man hurl candies at children’s heads and calling it festive.
(Also, full disclaimer: I wasn’t able to attend a show in person, due to my work schedule. I chose a filmed version instead, and watched in delighted horror from the comfort of my bedroom. Judge as ye see fit.)
The Show: Dick Whittington: The ITV Pantomime, originally broadcast January 1, 2002.
The Viewer: Me, a very confused Canadian who has never heard of Dick Whittington in her life.
The Result: Context-free chaos.
Let’s begin!
Okay, here we go. What in God’s name have I committed to? The opening titles look like something from a bad 1960’s movie.
This audience is PUMPED!
Oh, so there really is no fourth wall eh? He’s just going to shout at the audience and everyone is just going to shout back.
“Seek your fortune, get ye to London.” Hey! I must have heard that voice too! We’re already vibing, Mr. Whittington.
We’re about two minutes into this show and I can already tell you that this absolute icon of a camp cat is going to be my favourite character, just from walking in.
WAIT DID HE JUST MAKE A DICK JOKE? I mean we were definitely all thinking it, but I thought this was meant to be for kids?!
The over-the-top acting reminds me of school assemblies when I was a kid, where they’d bring in someone to sing with puppets and we’d be too distracted by our butts going numb on the gym floor to care, but the teacher would always make us write a story and draw a picture about what we’d seen so she could hang it on the wall in the hallway.
Ohh, spooky music and green lighting, this must be the Big Bad.
Wait wait wait wait…are people hissing? Do people actually hiss at actors?! I’ve only ever read about that in books??
Why is this rat so angry at this man and his camp cat, they’re just two dudes being bros on their way to London.
Dick, you’ve been here 30 seconds, a rat squeaks at you, and suddenly you want to go back home?
(Honestly…relatable.)
Okay now there’s a fairy.
Why is this fairy invested in this random human? Is she secretly his mother or something? Godmother?
And…now we’re handing out flowers. I’m so confused.
Sidenote: Are these audience reactions rehearsed? Or is there a secret panto handbook that foreigners aren’t privy to?
We’ve made it to London! There’s no fourth wall here, either.
There is, however, a bunch of bad jokes composed in monologue form.
OMG IT’S MARIGOLD FROM POLKA DOT SHORTS!
Did you guys have Polka Dot Shorts in the UK? It was a great show, get involved.
Marigold is actually named Sally, who for some reason has a large beer bottle embroidered across her giant fake chest?
We all need to scream HELLO SALLY every time she appears, which is exactly the enthusiasm I aspire to get from people when I walk into a room.
Wait that’s not a beer bottle, that’s HP sauce. Not sure if that’s an improvement.
Now Sally is hurling candy at the innocent children?! Surely that will hurt?!
WHY ARE YOU THROWING EGGS AT THE AUDIENCE SALLY?
No but actually, do any of these children understand these jokes? These seem VERY adult.
I’m calling it now: No one is having more fun than the person running the sound effects board.
Now a girl has arrived who is surely very important to Plot, because she’s got the nicest and shiniest dress.
“Can I stroke him?” “Try it and I’ll break your arm.” I would die for this camp cat.
SUDDENLY A MUSICAL NUMBER?!
This love story progressed faster than a Disney movie, and that’s saying something.
Listen I’m not trying to be rude, but please tell me they’re singing this badly on purpose.
Okay, let’s go over the plot that’s been established so far: Dick goes to London with his camp cat. Gets yelled at by a rat king for no reason I can find. Meets a fairy? Falls in love after 3 seconds. Sally throws eggs at children.
Now Dick’s getting a job for doing absolutely nothing at all.
Wait, I’m also reliable, helpful, strangely attractive, and desperate for a job. Is this how you get hired in this country? Hooking up with random women in the street and singing a bad duet with them? I’ve been going about this the wrong way for MONTHS!
When the kids shouted at this man, he moved. Does that mean if they’d all just stayed stubbornly silent, he’d have stayed still? Do they control the show? Do they realize the POWER this gives them??
I also want revenge and a snooze. This show can be so relatable.
Rat’s back! But WHY does he hate Dick and the cat?! There are so many plot holes already?!
Wait, we get some Rat King backstory.
…Okay it doesn’t explain at all why he hates Dick. Cool.
HELLO SALLY!!!!
Oh, we’re cheering now, hang on. Who is this guy. What does this audience know that I don’t know?
Captain-Not-Tricky-Pete. Okay.
I’ve heard this joke before! Who’s on first and what’s on second! Right?
Turns out: no.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’d die for this camp cat.
The sound effects person continues to be having the time of their life.
UH OH COPS ARE HERE. PIGS! EVERYBODY BAIL!
The further we get into this, the more convinced I am that all theatre can be massively improved by the freedom to scream at the actors at will.
The fairy’s back! Hey lady quick question, where were you when the cops were after us? What is your purpose.
Now suddenly this has become the Pirates of Penzance WHAT IS HAPPENING??
WAIT it’s not Pirates of Penzance, it’s Fathoms Below from the beginning of The Little Mermaid!
If a mermaid shows up and falls in love with the cat or something, I’m quitting.
Did I miss them saying where we’re sailing to? I was distracted by the sailor outfits.
HELLO SALLY!!!!
Sally has packed more for this sailing adventure than I did for an entire transcontinental move.
A wild Dick appears! Dressed as the witch from Snow White, apparently.
Can I take a pass on there being another song please.
Everyone is cheering again, and nothing has happened, everyone definitely knows something that I don’t. It’s because I’m Canadian, isn’t it?
Buddy was hiding a banjo somewhere, apparently?
Who are all these people coming onstage now? They’re not dressed in costume at all?
Oh, are these people famous? I don’t know any famous people in England. Watching I’m A Celeb was a very confusing time in my life.
Suddenly this is the concert from the Lizzie McGuire movie?
THIS IS WHAT DREEEEAMS ARE MADE OF!
Honestly, now I feel like I’ve been to an S Club 7 concert, which my preteen self would be absolutely thrilled about. Ain’t no party like an S Club party!
There’s a lot going on right now, and I’m not positive what 90% of it is.
The singing sailors I’m here for, but the rest is just…a lot to take in.
Also the accents have gone so thick and fast that I’m not positive they’re speaking English anymore.
“The reason will be clear, because it’s in the script!” SURE ABOUT THAT, BUD?!
“Shouldn’t you be off somewhere selling insurance?” Did I miss something, why is everyone laughing? A lot of these jokes are going way over my head. Maybe that’s how they get away with so many dick jokes in front of kids.
LITERALLY WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE RAT KING IN THIS PRODUCTION?!
Also, does he have magic too? Is that how he keeps popping up in a puff of smoke? Does his life tie in with the fairy somehow? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
He wants to sink the ship but…you’re also…on the ship…
“I know what you’re thinking!” I will bet so much money that you don’t.
I can’t get over how people are actually hissing, this might be the most British thing I’ve encountered yet. Is this the theatre version of being tutted at in a queue?
YET ANOTHER RANDOM UNEXPLAINED CHARACTER APPEARS.
This one’s a painter? Who needs a painter on a ship? And how does this relate to the already-confusing plot??
Is he just going to do a stand-up act, what is HAPPENING?
Guys, I’m officially too Canadian for this, I don’t understand any of these jokes.
The cat’s back, thank God, he’s my only life raft in this sea of confusion.
I think these people are from the same universe where Miley Cyrus wearing a blonde wig made her completely unrecognizable as Hannah Montana.
“If you haven’t got a bucket, I’ll have to use your trousers!” YOU LITERALLY HAVE A BUCKET IN YOUR HANDS TO POUR PAINT INTO HIS you know what never mind go on I don’t care anymore.
THIS JUST GOT SO R RATED????
I think that might have been my favourite bit in the entire show and it had NOTHING to do with ANYTHING.
Am I finally starting to understand panto? Do you just roll with the madness? The points are made up and the plot doesn’t matter?
HELLO SALLY!!!!
And now…this guy has spontaneously thrown himself overboard.
What a mood.
“I’M STILL DROWNING!”
“Should I phone the German coast guard?” “Nein nein nein!” HEY I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE!
“COME ON IT’S PANTO!” I don’t think you can yell at the audience when they don’t laugh at your jokes, bud.
Oh, it was the father that fell overboard.
…Eh. What was he really contributing to this nonsense plot anyway, right?
Dick saved him anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
Oh, now Dick found a key that proves his innocence in a locker, that’s convenient.
Sally just shouted “I don’t believe it!” And everyone is going wild, surely I’m missing something here?
It’s because I’m Canadian, isn’t it.
There wasn’t enough drama, so now we’ve been shipwrecked and Alice is absolutely COLD-BLOODED about her father being dead.
THE CAT IS ALIVE THOUGH which is pretty much all I care about at this point in the story.
Let’s go find a pineapple!
Shipwrecked, nearly drowned, and like four costume changes later, and Sally STILL has candy to throw at the heads of unsuspecting children. What a legend.
Suddenly a guest appearance by…Cleopatra?
“And I’ve not been at all well this year you know.” Seriously WHY are we all laughing, what am I missing here?
Who’s on first again.
Now Sally’s moved on to whipping candy at the queen, what a BOSS.
Honestly, at this point in the adventure, I’d kill for some jelly beans or something.
“We have no food, so now I’m going to kill you” would be nonsense logic in any other context, but honestly nothing makes sense anymore. I need to stop trying to make it all fit together, don’t I?
Oh my god is this cat going to chase rats. I REALLY need this camp cat to run onstage. Please, please make this camp cat run.
YAS CAT HONEY GET THEM!
Oh look, now the Rat King is back having served absolutely no use to the plot so far!
Same goes with the fairy, WHY does a fairy exist in this show??
Suddenly a sword fight?! Is this now The Nutcracker?!
’TIS BUT A FLESH WOUND!
We moved really quick from sword fights to marriage proposals. Top that speed, Disney.
THE MOTHER IS ALIVE? WHAT IS HAPPENING?
GUYS I’M SO CONFUSED.
WHERE DID THE FARIY GO?
Are those the Thenardiers from Les Miserables?
Wait…wait are these the bows?
IS IT OVER?
WHAT THE???
I THOUGHT DICK WAS GONNA BE MAYOR
INSTEAD HE RANDOMLY GETS HALF A KINGDOM BUT TURNS IT DOWN BECAUSE HE’S CLEARLY NOT A STRUGGLING MILLENNIAL
Oh…no, wait, it’s still going.
Now the mayor is here.
Here, I’ll sum up this entire interaction for you all: “I’m the mayor, but here, you can have my job because I feel like you earned it.”
THAT’S NOT HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS BRO.
Fairy is back AGAIN, where were you for the entirety of the plot?!
They just sum it all up and that’s…it?
Oh god there’s more singing, what have I done to deserve this.
I’m honestly curious, is it bad singing on purpose?
And now I guess…we’re done?
AND AS THEY SAY, THE REST IS HISTORY!
In conclusion? I have…absolutely no idea what I just witnessed. I think I need a shower. And a stiff drink. Or two.
Clearly, I’m still too Canadian for panto. Next time, I’ll ease in with something simpler. Jaffa cakes, maybe. Or riding on the top level of a bus in the “driver” seat. Either way, I hope you all got to get out and experience a panto for yourselves over the holiday season, and if not, that you enjoyed this Canadian tripping her way through her first English December. From now on, I’m sticking to watching Strictly and Bake Off. Safer for me, I think.
And until next time…GOODBYE BOYS AND GIRLS!
Written by: Meg Williams