New City, No Friends: How to Navigate Loneliness After a Move
You are so excited for your move. Excited for a new apartment, a new lifestyle, new friends. Fresh opportunities coming at you from every angle! This next chapter of your life cannot be anything but amazing.
And now, a few weeks have passed, and you realise that you don’t know anyone, and that you’re spending all of your time alone. You give shy smiles to your course mates but nobody speaks to you. Or maybe you watch your new coworkers go to lunch together, while you eat your co-op meal-deal in silence, at your desk.
You feel bad because this is not what you pictured. This was not on your vision board. This was not the plan. Well, let me tell you: that’s okay! Building a life in a new place is difficult, it takes time, and it can feel very lonely.
When I moved to Brighton in 2019, I was 18 and did not know a single soul in the city. The first few friendships born amongst campus rooms and lecture halls quickly crumbled under the weight of Covid-19 and lockdown restrictions. My lectures went digital and I had no way of meeting new people, let alone spend time with any.
Now, almost 6 years later, I have built a life full of friendship, support, and community. I have made this city my own, my home.
But how do we navigate those first few months, or years, of isolation? How do we deal with loneliness, when all we crave is company and don’t know where to seek it? Well, along the way I have learnt a few key lessons, so allow me to share.
Be Patient
Nobody likes to hear this, I know, but things take time. Hard things, especially so, like moving all your belongings to a strange place and hoping for the best. For most people, things don’t happen overnight. Even if everyone around you seems to be adjusting at lightning speed, and making friends even quicker, don’t be discouraged if it takes you a bit longer. Some of my most cherished friendships have developed over the course of a few months, but it’s all worth it in the end.
Be Open to Anything, but Stay True to Yourself
The best way to meet people is to just get out there. Go to clubs, cafes, concerts, comedy nights, anything that will get you in a busy room. Bonus points if there’s opportunity for conversation. Don’t be afraid of stepping out of your comfort zone and try something you think you might not like. Sometimes, taking a chance will lead you somewhere unexpected. So if this one person that you don’t really know invites you to a salsa night, and you know nothing about salsa, why not try anyway? You might make some great memories and meet interesting people. However, don’t forget your taste and your boundaries. The point isn’t to blindly follow other people, but to widen your horizons and give yourself a chance to be social in a new environment.
Don’t Seek Company At All Costs
I know that loneliness hurts. It’s really hard to just sit with yourself day after day, especially when facing hardships or difficult moments. But don’t make the mistake of giving your time away to people that mistreat you or abuse you. As much as we need connections and friendship, it is never worth it to diminish your worth for the sake of it. Instead, spend time with people that make you happy, that value you, that add something special to your day.
Learn How to Spend Time with Yourself
If you’re not used to being alone, it can be quite jarring to have a whole day (or multiple days) all to yourself. My go-to in this scenario is a list! Make a list, whether written down or on your phone, of all the things you enjoy doing, and all the ways you may pass the time in your own special company. The reality is that, even when having many friends around, knowing how to be alone is a crucial skill to have. That’s how we learn more about ourselves, our boundaries, our taste. So go on a solo date and enjoy your alone time, even when it feels very, very lonely.
Don’t delay life!
Do not wait around for people to find you. Go to that restaurant you want to try and have dinner by yourself. Buy tickets to your favourite artist’s gig and meet people there. Attend local events, makers’ fairs, and do all the things you want to do. Don’t wait until you have someone to go with. Those opportunities might not be there when that happens.
Don’t Be Upset When Things Don’t Work Out
Sometimes, friendships don’t work out. That’s okay. Even when it feels like the end of the world. When moving to a new city, it is normal to meet a lot of people, and to make connections that might not last long. It is natural and it is necessary, as everyone is just trying to figure themselves and their life out. Do not think there is something wrong with you, there isn’t. The right people will find you. You just have to let them.
Make the Most of your local City Girl Community!
If you’re reading this, you probably already know about City Girl and the amazing work they do to create meaningful connections in their local communities. Check out the Events Page to meet some incredible people and maybe try something new and fun!
It is quite bittersweet for me to look back at all the ways I coped with those initial months of moving abroad. The fear, the uncertainty, the boredom! I left family and friends behind, not knowing what awaited me. Now, I know. And it’s wonderful.
Written by Roberta Guarini