June is Pride month, a time of celebration and empowerment for the LGBTQIA community. It’s hard won, and well deserved. Every single person who has had to announce their sexuality to friends or family have required self awareness, and something more than courage.

For those of us with friends experiencing this now, or who are perhaps traumatised by their past experiences, listening is the greatest gift we have to offer. It’s not just the LGBTQ+ community that suffers discrimination, anyone who has been made to feel different or worth less because of their lifestyle, beliefs, or skin colour needs friends around them who are able to listen wholeheartedly.

Did you know there are 4 types of unconscious listeners? 

1. The Lost Listener: lost in their own mind, constantly thinking of their last or next thought and how they can contribute.

2. The Interrupting Listener: solution-focused, finishing the speaker's sentence, creating confusion.

3. The Shrewd Listener: busy trying to solve the problem, shrewd enough to wait for space to speak but fails to be present.

4. The Dramatic Listener: stuck in the detail, asking questions about the history and patterns, completely preoccupied with the theatre.

Everyone falls into these categories sometimes, the trick is noticing when it isn’t appropriate. If someone wants to share their experiences and speak of truly personal things we need to switch over into conscious listening mode.

Conscious Listening

When we choose to listen we engage in a different way. The speaker feels valued and we provide space for them to explore their experience or problem. Most people have the answers to their own questions. When has someone else ever offered advice that truly encompassed everything we were concerned about? 

Given space to explore, to remove the thoughts jumbled up in our heads we find the solution. So how do we do that?

1. Take a moment to clear your head, put all worries and concerns aside and focus on the person speaking.

2. Ask open questions and be curious; avoid asking ‘Why?’ It can feel judgemental, instead be creative, ‘How?’ and ‘What?’ will offer far more interesting answers.

3. Listen for what is not being said; if certain images keep emerging, or you have a sense of something underlying what’s being said, ask about it. If they choose not to answer, respect that choice.

4. Don’t paraphrase or assume; where possible repeat their words back to them. Let them hear what they are saying, sometimes that can help them judge the truth of a statement.

Listening deeply takes practice, and one of the ways you can work on this is to listen to yourself. Clearing away your thoughts and clutter helps you focus on others words and experiences. If in doubt, breathe.

This is my favourite trick. I learned how to listen through conflict management. Walking into the middle of an argument is difficult, but focus on your breath, and it gets easier. 

Hopefully talking with friends won't ever be scary or adrenaline-inducing. If you find you’re struggling to give them your full attention, take a deep breath, make eye contact and you’ll find it changes your conversation for the better.

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Written By Laura Pick

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