How to Fight the Bias Against Women Who Do Not Want Children
Women have been fighting for their rights for centuries whether it’s the right to vote, the right to work, the right to drive and so on. And we still have so much to fight for. Patriarchy is an incredibly hard beast to overcome. Society still expects lots from women, such as to start a family when in a serious relationship. And what if you don’t want this kind of life?
It was hard enough to find THE companion, THE partner you can see a future with. Finally, no more peer pressure. Because this was real pressure, you had to face remarks like “At your age, I was married” or “You need to get out there otherwise you’ll finish alone for the rest of your life” or “You’re too picky” or the ultimate “Something is wrong with you”.
I could write an entire article about the pressure exercised on single women. But let me emphasise that it is TOTALLY fine if you are single and if you want to stay single. It is your right, and nobody can pass judgement on you for that.
Back to my story, you’ve found somebody you could see spending your life with. You thought that the societal pressure was over? Oh, no, no, no. You’re not off the hook just quite yet. Now you have to face another pressure: the pressure of having kids. And what if you don’t want kids?
I knew I didn’t want kids at a very young age. Does it make me a bad person? In the eye of some people, yes. First reaction: “You don’t like kids?”. I love kids. But what if I didn’t. Would I be a horrible person just because I don’t like kids?
As a woman, people assume that you have this maternal instinct that turns you into a crazy person as soon as you see a baby. And you are scorned if you don’t. But everyone is different, and if you see a baby and you are thinking “It’s just a baby”, THAT IS OKAY.
Second reaction: “You haven’t found the right person yet”. Does that mean that you know you have found THE ONE only if you see yourself having a baby with that person? So, wanting kids would be the ultimate evidence that you found the right person? And what is a “right” person?
Non-sense! But yet I heard it many times. Too many times. I heard it when I was single, but the worst was to listen to it when I was in a relationship. Not only I felt judged for my choice of not wanting kids but also for my selection of partners.
Third reaction: “Why not?” Well, you can have plenty of reasons for not wanting kids. I see the world, how overpopulated it is, how badly we treat the planet and each other and I don’t want my kids to live in such a world. That’s just my opinion. There are many different reasons. But most of all, why do we have to justify ourselves?
Nobody ever asks: “Why do you want kids?” It is supposed to be natural to want a family—no need for explanation. But if you don’t want any, you have to explain, justify, argue; you almost have to write a full dissertation about it.
What could we do about it? Well, let’s stop judging each other. I know it’s hard but let’s remind ourselves that there is no “normal” in that field (like in many different fields). There are you and your happiness, and that’s the most important thing. The world’s opinion about your life doesn’t count.
Remember, you’re a beautiful, smart and amazing woman just as you are. You don’t need to be married and have kids to blossom. You can be single with no kids and be the happiest woman on Earth. Your body, your choice.
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Written by
Elise Van Meerssche
